Fuck you.
You screwed me up. I can't freakin' bear to admit it, but you screwed me up real good. You should be so freakin' proud of yourself.
I can't be a normal person when around guys I'm attracted to anymore. I have to be this obnoxious crazy person who locks up in social situations as simple as calling someone on the phone. We used to talk on the phone. All the time. For hours and hours. Maybe that's why I can't fucking call people on the phone.
I want to be normal. I want him to know and like the normal Lauren. Not the crazy Lauren. No one likes the crazy Lauren because she can't handle herself. She has problems that the world doesn't want to see.
When the world sees crazy Lauren's problems they run away like you did. They stop being her friend just because they don't like her anymore. It doesn't matter that people can be regular friends if one doesn't like the other in a romantic way. You just had to go and dump me, all of me, because you just felt like it.
Now I'm terrified of being dumped like that again. So I'm obnoxious. And naggy. And I hate it. I fucking hate it Jeff. Why the hell did you have to do this to me? Couldn't you have picked another girl to completely screw over? Someone who could actually handle it?
I hate how this still affects me. I thought it was over. Maybe it will never be over.
-Lauren-
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
My Parents
My parents are lovely people who are made of awesome. I don't know if I could ever put into words how they have impacted my life. They've loved me and supported me through everything.
Mom and Dad, thank you for always being there and never doubting my dreams.
Love,
Lauren
Mom and Dad, thank you for always being there and never doubting my dreams.
Love,
Lauren
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Teaser Tuesday MADNESS
Ahem, pardon the caps please. I'm unreasonably energetic about doing this blog post, since it's productivity potential is rather high.
Let's get this Teaser out of the way first. You may think I'm an awful person for this, but I adore this bit. I just wrote it yesterday. It's not very good writing wise, but plot wise I love it. A lot.
Some quick background: Natura has married... gasp... Rigel! She's done it mostly because her father wants her to marry him, he actually just wants her to marry anyone. He'd be reasonably fine if he died without seeing her married, so long as she's happy. But Natura is too deeply rooted in her desire to please her dying father that she goes ahead and marries anyways.
Unfortunately, the marriage doesn't turn out as she expected when she arrives at their new home (several days of travel on horseback away from Parcel, her home village).
TEASER
END TEASER
Perhaps I'm sadicious. But this is such a great scene in my mind. Maybe it's just because it plunges the story into a place where actiony things happen more often than they had been previously.
Anyways. I've reached 25,308 words which is 41 pages in microsoft word. That's just over half of a NaNoWriMo novel. How epic is this? I have hope that I'll have this draft done by christmas. Plus, now that we're into the action it's a lot more exciting to write. Not that I didn't like writing before, but high-tension action scenes equals more words in what seems like less time than the more calm regular life scenes do which makes for a happy word count.
Not much going on in my real life. Just trying to figure out if I want to study abroad, and where/when I want to do that. And what's the best fit for my major(s).
Oh yeah, and I also have to figure out how to go about declaring a second major. Three cheers for being a double english major! (Creative Writing and English Literature! Woot!).
Other than that today has been pretty blah. Cold and cloudy, plus Tuesdays are my hell days. But I get to go home on thursday and see Meghan and Nina and Leah and Schmitty. So that's exciting.
!Bonus Blog Post!
I Need To Stop Phsycoanalyzing Myself
So I had this dream last night. I'm pretty sure my subconscious is trying to tell me things, and has been trying to tell me things for a long time now. Really. I have some crazy dreams all the time. Really specific dreams. Never had it dawned on me to actually think about what these dreams might mean until today.
I should never, ever try to do that again.
Let's backtrack a bit. Here's the dream.
I was with my friend Meghan in a building that was either a hotel or a residence hall at a university. We were wandering down the halls, trying to find my friend Schmitty because we needed to (the reason didn't become apparent until later).
We come to this door, which appeared from the hallway to be just another door to a dorm room. But we opened it and went inside, only to suddenly be in a giant park. Like, outside. It was really sunny and a good, warm temperature, and the grass was green and nice and happy.
Then we see Schmitty and automatically know why we had to find him. Apparently, Emily (his ex-girlfriend) was there somewhere and if he so much as looked at her he would disappear. So Meghan and I had to go and stop him from seeing her so he wouldn't disappear. Since, you know, disappearing is bad.
So we run up to him and try to distract him by talking to him and not letting him look at Emily (who had appeared right behind us). But he looked at her! When he disappeared, it was like we saw his name disappear from a userlist like in a chatroom. So, logically (as logically as a dream can be) we just had to refresh the page and he would appear and we would have to repeat the whole stop him from looking at Emily thing.
But he kept goddamn looking at her!
Finally I got fed up with him disappearing. I mean, I didn't want him to disappear! It was really stressful and emotionally draining to watch this guy I care a lot for disappear because of crazy bitch-witch Emily.
So I'm like sitting behind him hugging him and leaning over his shoulder talking to him and trying to stop him from looking back at Emily, but he keeps trying. So, I kiss him.
That seemed to do the trick. Or at least, it broke whatever curse Emily had put on him to make him disappear when he looked at her because after we stopped kissing he turns to her and starts talking to her like I'm not there. And this is, more or less, how the conversation went.
Schmitty: Emily
Emily: Corey (aka Schmitty's real name)
Schmitty: I don't know...
Emily: I've been looking for you.
Schmitty: I know. I can't deal with this. She (meaning me) just kissed me.
Me: Excuse me, but you definitely kissed me back.
Emily: *scathing look of disapproval directed at the entire world*
Schmitty: I like you both. But Emily, you're going to the dominican republic and I can't do debate team there.
....Yeah. I know the conversation didn't make much sense. I'm probably forgetting most of it, especially the stuff at the beginning. Also, I pretty much spent the whole time glaring at Emily because she wanted to make Schmitty disappear because she's an evil witch.
Anyways. Then Schmitty gets up and leaves the park. He goes to his room at the hotel/residence hall and locks himself there. I go to my own room, only to find Courtney (my roommate) has moved the bunks into the center of the room and Maria is alseep in what was supposed to be Courtney's bed. So I go out in the hallway, because I feel bad that Schmitty got so upset about the park and I want to buy him some candy from the vending machine.
In the hallway, one of his friends (who actually doesn't exist in real life, he was one of those dream placeholder people if you get what I mean) is in the hall trying to talk to him through the door. Apparently he was really moody/depressed about what went down in the park.
So I leave to go buy him some reeses from a vending machine with plans to tape them to his door so he can have them when he comes back out.
Yeah. Then I spent all day trying to analyze the dream, and therefore phsycoanalyze myself. Apparently, I dislike Emily (already knew that bit) and am deeply concerned that if Schmitty keeps hanging out with her she will steal him from the world and they'll start dating again (I mean really, what normal person continues to hang out with their ex all the time even after they break up?? If you still want to be around them, don't break up!). So anyways, Schmitty will in a sense "disappear" from my life (aka my love life) because Emily is a meanie and he should like me better anyways because I'm so much more exciting than she is and I'm made of awesome.
And then somehow I broke into a tangent of how I always get attached to a guy and it doesn't work out and then I can't detach myself so I spend a year and a half pining for him until he completely stops talking to me because I'm crazy and then I lose a close friend and am completely screwed up for the rest of forever.
Thank you, Jeff.
Bringing back those memories and feelings doesn't exactly do much for my mental health. I'm not even exagerating. Maybe sometime I'll go more in depth onto how screwed up my emotional/love life is. It's fun stuff.
Well this blog entry is long enough. Bye.
-Lauren-
Let's get this Teaser out of the way first. You may think I'm an awful person for this, but I adore this bit. I just wrote it yesterday. It's not very good writing wise, but plot wise I love it. A lot.
Some quick background: Natura has married... gasp... Rigel! She's done it mostly because her father wants her to marry him, he actually just wants her to marry anyone. He'd be reasonably fine if he died without seeing her married, so long as she's happy. But Natura is too deeply rooted in her desire to please her dying father that she goes ahead and marries anyways.
Unfortunately, the marriage doesn't turn out as she expected when she arrives at their new home (several days of travel on horseback away from Parcel, her home village).
TEASER
“Shall we see the inside?” Rigel suggested, breaking into her thoughts. He stood beside her horse, his hand held up to her.
She took it and let him help her down. They walked to the front door of the cottage together, Rigel a step behind her. The cottage had an old wooden porch that creaked under her weight, but it was a lovely sound.
Natura grasped the old brass doorknob and slowly opened the door, stepping inside.
“Hello, there.” A familiar young woman, with strong arms typical of Rivalon women leaned against the opposite wall. An elegant young woman with silver hair that waterfalled over her shoulders sat in a chair at the kitchen table.
Natura’s chest tightened and she took a panicked step backwards, only to back right against Rigel. He wrapped an arm around her, restraining her arms, and pressed a damp cloth over her mouth and nose with his other hand.
She gasped for air, inhaling deeply whatever was soaking the cloth. It made her feel lightheaded, and her vision blurred for a moment. She fought to keep control of herself, and struggled against Rigel’s grip.
Grena smirked at her, her arms crossed in front of her chest. “Welcome home, Natura,” she said.
Natura’s legs wobbled under her, threatening to give out, but Rigel held her up. She fought to maintain focus on the room, on what was happening. She needed to be able to react, to be able to protect herself. Her thoughts clouded quickly, though, and she could only wonder why this was happening.
Grena watched Rigel expectantly, an eyebrow raised. “Well?”
“Can’t we—”
“No, you have to,” Grena stopped him.
Rigel let the cloth drop to the floor. Natura gasped for clean air, but it didn’t help to clear her head. Rigel moved his arms, changing how he held her against him, but she couldn’t feel her body to fight back or try to escape.
Something cool pressed against her forearm. She glanced down to her arm, Rigel held it up on one hand, and with his other held the flat side of a shiny dagger to her skin.
“There has to be—”
“Rigel,” Grena growled. “Do it. Now.”
He let out a long breath of air. Natura felt him press his face against her hair for a moment before he turned the dagger and slit her arm open. Natura gasped as blood flowed over her arm, dripping onto the floor.
Grena dumped a jar of some sort of powder onto the gash. Natura briefly wondered how she had missed Grena moving from the other side of the room to her side, and where the jar of powder had come from before her arm erupted in pain.
Natura heard her scream filling the room, but she didn’t feel her voice in her throat. Almost instantly, she could no longer feel the pain, but her scream indicated that some part of her still did.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Rigel whispered repeatedly in her ear. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
Soon, Natura couldn’t even hear her own scream. She couldn’t decide if it had stopped, or if she was just dying and her ears had given out on her. Her vision blurred, and everything went black.
END TEASER
Perhaps I'm sadicious. But this is such a great scene in my mind. Maybe it's just because it plunges the story into a place where actiony things happen more often than they had been previously.
Anyways. I've reached 25,308 words which is 41 pages in microsoft word. That's just over half of a NaNoWriMo novel. How epic is this? I have hope that I'll have this draft done by christmas. Plus, now that we're into the action it's a lot more exciting to write. Not that I didn't like writing before, but high-tension action scenes equals more words in what seems like less time than the more calm regular life scenes do which makes for a happy word count.
Not much going on in my real life. Just trying to figure out if I want to study abroad, and where/when I want to do that. And what's the best fit for my major(s).
Oh yeah, and I also have to figure out how to go about declaring a second major. Three cheers for being a double english major! (Creative Writing and English Literature! Woot!).
Other than that today has been pretty blah. Cold and cloudy, plus Tuesdays are my hell days. But I get to go home on thursday and see Meghan and Nina and Leah and Schmitty. So that's exciting.
!Bonus Blog Post!
I Need To Stop Phsycoanalyzing Myself
So I had this dream last night. I'm pretty sure my subconscious is trying to tell me things, and has been trying to tell me things for a long time now. Really. I have some crazy dreams all the time. Really specific dreams. Never had it dawned on me to actually think about what these dreams might mean until today.
I should never, ever try to do that again.
Let's backtrack a bit. Here's the dream.
I was with my friend Meghan in a building that was either a hotel or a residence hall at a university. We were wandering down the halls, trying to find my friend Schmitty because we needed to (the reason didn't become apparent until later).
We come to this door, which appeared from the hallway to be just another door to a dorm room. But we opened it and went inside, only to suddenly be in a giant park. Like, outside. It was really sunny and a good, warm temperature, and the grass was green and nice and happy.
Then we see Schmitty and automatically know why we had to find him. Apparently, Emily (his ex-girlfriend) was there somewhere and if he so much as looked at her he would disappear. So Meghan and I had to go and stop him from seeing her so he wouldn't disappear. Since, you know, disappearing is bad.
So we run up to him and try to distract him by talking to him and not letting him look at Emily (who had appeared right behind us). But he looked at her! When he disappeared, it was like we saw his name disappear from a userlist like in a chatroom. So, logically (as logically as a dream can be) we just had to refresh the page and he would appear and we would have to repeat the whole stop him from looking at Emily thing.
But he kept goddamn looking at her!
Finally I got fed up with him disappearing. I mean, I didn't want him to disappear! It was really stressful and emotionally draining to watch this guy I care a lot for disappear because of crazy bitch-witch Emily.
So I'm like sitting behind him hugging him and leaning over his shoulder talking to him and trying to stop him from looking back at Emily, but he keeps trying. So, I kiss him.
That seemed to do the trick. Or at least, it broke whatever curse Emily had put on him to make him disappear when he looked at her because after we stopped kissing he turns to her and starts talking to her like I'm not there. And this is, more or less, how the conversation went.
Schmitty: Emily
Emily: Corey (aka Schmitty's real name)
Schmitty: I don't know...
Emily: I've been looking for you.
Schmitty: I know. I can't deal with this. She (meaning me) just kissed me.
Me: Excuse me, but you definitely kissed me back.
Emily: *scathing look of disapproval directed at the entire world*
Schmitty: I like you both. But Emily, you're going to the dominican republic and I can't do debate team there.
....Yeah. I know the conversation didn't make much sense. I'm probably forgetting most of it, especially the stuff at the beginning. Also, I pretty much spent the whole time glaring at Emily because she wanted to make Schmitty disappear because she's an evil witch.
Anyways. Then Schmitty gets up and leaves the park. He goes to his room at the hotel/residence hall and locks himself there. I go to my own room, only to find Courtney (my roommate) has moved the bunks into the center of the room and Maria is alseep in what was supposed to be Courtney's bed. So I go out in the hallway, because I feel bad that Schmitty got so upset about the park and I want to buy him some candy from the vending machine.
In the hallway, one of his friends (who actually doesn't exist in real life, he was one of those dream placeholder people if you get what I mean) is in the hall trying to talk to him through the door. Apparently he was really moody/depressed about what went down in the park.
So I leave to go buy him some reeses from a vending machine with plans to tape them to his door so he can have them when he comes back out.
Yeah. Then I spent all day trying to analyze the dream, and therefore phsycoanalyze myself. Apparently, I dislike Emily (already knew that bit) and am deeply concerned that if Schmitty keeps hanging out with her she will steal him from the world and they'll start dating again (I mean really, what normal person continues to hang out with their ex all the time even after they break up?? If you still want to be around them, don't break up!). So anyways, Schmitty will in a sense "disappear" from my life (aka my love life) because Emily is a meanie and he should like me better anyways because I'm so much more exciting than she is and I'm made of awesome.
And then somehow I broke into a tangent of how I always get attached to a guy and it doesn't work out and then I can't detach myself so I spend a year and a half pining for him until he completely stops talking to me because I'm crazy and then I lose a close friend and am completely screwed up for the rest of forever.
Thank you, Jeff.
Bringing back those memories and feelings doesn't exactly do much for my mental health. I'm not even exagerating. Maybe sometime I'll go more in depth onto how screwed up my emotional/love life is. It's fun stuff.
Well this blog entry is long enough. Bye.
-Lauren-
Monday, October 4, 2010
My Crush
I've probably (no, not probably, almost definitely) mentioned him before, but anyways. My crush right now is Corey "Schmitty" Stevenson and he's different than other guys I've liked before.
The big difference is I feel completely confused, and a hundred percent out of control. With other guys I've liked, I've had this sense of control or at least I knew what was happening/where it was going. With Schmitty I only have this unreasonable hope.
I like not feeling in control. With my last boyfriend I "wore the pants" in the relationship. I was in complete and utter control, and it was the ruin of us. I'm the kind of person who craves control, but I'm also the kind of person who shouldn't be given such control. I abuse the power, then I get bored of it.
I just want to date someone who will call the shots, who will be in control of the relationship. I, of course, want some form of control (I don't want to be used) but I'd like the central control to be in the guy.
Schmitty is just different. In a good way. A very good way. He's such a strong Christian, and that's something I'd like to be myself and admire in other people. He's, for lack of a better word, a man. He's strong, honorable, and can hold his own in the world. My past boyfriends, not so much.
I just get along with Schmitty. We're a lot alike, but a lot different and that's really appealing. We have similar dreams for our lives, and though we often want different things those things fit together. I've never had a hard time being around Schmitty, and didn't have a hard time getting close to him. We haven't even really known each other for very long. We got close over the summer. Usually I have this long period of feeling awkward around guys, but never around Schmitty.
And then there's what can't be explained. There's how I just feel right when I'm around him. How I feel like he could be the one, as corny as that sounds. He's the kind of guy I can see myself marrying someday. I'm comforable with him. We get along. We're different but the same.
Schmitty, I really like you. I don't know if you'll ever know that, or if you'll ever really know what spending time with you this summer meant to me. I wish you the best of luck as you enter the marines. I'm so unbelievably proud of you.
-Lauren-
The big difference is I feel completely confused, and a hundred percent out of control. With other guys I've liked, I've had this sense of control or at least I knew what was happening/where it was going. With Schmitty I only have this unreasonable hope.
I like not feeling in control. With my last boyfriend I "wore the pants" in the relationship. I was in complete and utter control, and it was the ruin of us. I'm the kind of person who craves control, but I'm also the kind of person who shouldn't be given such control. I abuse the power, then I get bored of it.
I just want to date someone who will call the shots, who will be in control of the relationship. I, of course, want some form of control (I don't want to be used) but I'd like the central control to be in the guy.
Schmitty is just different. In a good way. A very good way. He's such a strong Christian, and that's something I'd like to be myself and admire in other people. He's, for lack of a better word, a man. He's strong, honorable, and can hold his own in the world. My past boyfriends, not so much.
I just get along with Schmitty. We're a lot alike, but a lot different and that's really appealing. We have similar dreams for our lives, and though we often want different things those things fit together. I've never had a hard time being around Schmitty, and didn't have a hard time getting close to him. We haven't even really known each other for very long. We got close over the summer. Usually I have this long period of feeling awkward around guys, but never around Schmitty.
And then there's what can't be explained. There's how I just feel right when I'm around him. How I feel like he could be the one, as corny as that sounds. He's the kind of guy I can see myself marrying someday. I'm comforable with him. We get along. We're different but the same.
Schmitty, I really like you. I don't know if you'll ever know that, or if you'll ever really know what spending time with you this summer meant to me. I wish you the best of luck as you enter the marines. I'm so unbelievably proud of you.
-Lauren-
Sunday, October 3, 2010
My Best Friend
My best friend is the beautiful Meghan Katherine York Marshall and I love her to pieces.
We're so close, she's like my sister. I can go to my Meghan with anything and know that she'll be there for me and ready to point me in the right direction. Really, though I may not always love it, she gives the best advice.
She doesn't put up with me whining over things, and likes to shut me down for long-winded rants about crushes who I have no hope with.
Meghan is so beautiful, and amazing, and just simply all around made of awesome. I can't believe she's never had a boyfriend, but I know that someday she'll get that guy who is 100% perfect for her. She completely deserves it, and deserves to be as happy as she can be in life.
She does everything and more for her family and her friends. Since her parent's divorce, she's played mom for her two sisters and she even plays mom for us (her friends) from time to time. Shet truly cares, and is a completely wonderful person. She'll be a fantastic mom someday.
We don't live close anymore since we've gone to college, but we're still just as close in our hearts (corny, I know). I don't know if she'll ever really know how much she means to me, and how much I care about her. She's my rock, she keeps me going when I start to get run down. She's always fun, I love being around her. We get each other.
Meghan, darling, I love you dearly. Let's be sisters to the end.
-Lauren-
We're so close, she's like my sister. I can go to my Meghan with anything and know that she'll be there for me and ready to point me in the right direction. Really, though I may not always love it, she gives the best advice.
She doesn't put up with me whining over things, and likes to shut me down for long-winded rants about crushes who I have no hope with.
Meghan is so beautiful, and amazing, and just simply all around made of awesome. I can't believe she's never had a boyfriend, but I know that someday she'll get that guy who is 100% perfect for her. She completely deserves it, and deserves to be as happy as she can be in life.
She does everything and more for her family and her friends. Since her parent's divorce, she's played mom for her two sisters and she even plays mom for us (her friends) from time to time. Shet truly cares, and is a completely wonderful person. She'll be a fantastic mom someday.
We don't live close anymore since we've gone to college, but we're still just as close in our hearts (corny, I know). I don't know if she'll ever really know how much she means to me, and how much I care about her. She's my rock, she keeps me going when I start to get run down. She's always fun, I love being around her. We get each other.
Meghan, darling, I love you dearly. Let's be sisters to the end.
-Lauren-
Hey Blog!
So I stumbled upon this on one of my friends Facebooks. She's doing it in her notes, which is unbelievably brave of her, but I'm going to do it here instead because no one will see it. I have a problem with revealing emotions. Either I can't handle it, or I reveal too much at one time. Fun stuff.
It's a thirty day thing, so I'm going to be doing it for the next however long. It will be interrupted by Teaser Tuesdays and actual blog posts about actual stuff happening in my life so it will probably take longer than the thirty days.
Here's the schedule, so I don't forget!
It's a thirty day thing, so I'm going to be doing it for the next however long. It will be interrupted by Teaser Tuesdays and actual blog posts about actual stuff happening in my life so it will probably take longer than the thirty days.
Here's the schedule, so I don't forget!
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that's not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Because I'm cool and like consistency, we're going to end this blog post and post another titled "My Best Friend"
See you soon!
-Lauren-
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that's not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Because I'm cool and like consistency, we're going to end this blog post and post another titled "My Best Friend"
See you soon!
-Lauren-
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